Content Warning: This article contains potentially sensitive topics including adoption, child abuse, and alcoholism, and is intended for readers who are 18 years of age or older. If you prefer not to read about these topics, or are under the age of 18, please click here.
By Michelle Riess
Originally posted in 2018. Updated 2024
In September 2017, at age 40, I accidentally discovered that I am adopted after getting a DNA match on Ancestry to one of my three full biological sisters. It was a life-changing experience that redefined (and simultaneously shattered) my entire existence. Before this unexpected discovery, my adoptive parents never told me that I am adopted, and I never suspected it.
For 40 years, my adoptive parents made it their mission to ensure I would never discover the truth about my adoption, or my origins. But they didn’t simply fail to disclose my adoption status to me; over the course of four decades, they created an enormous web of lies to manipulate me into believing I was actually their biological child. Nearly everyone in my adoptive parents’ lives knew the truth — except me — the only person who actually needed this information. [Related: read my adoption discovery story here]
I am a late discovery adoptee. Late discovery adoptees are adults who are adopted, but whose adoptive parents did not disclose their adoption to them at an appropriate age. Any adoption disclosure beyond the earliest years of life is universally considered to be too late. There were darker reasons why I never questioned my origins, but looking back, there was an abundance of red flags throughout my life. Today, with so many people doing DNA testing to research their family’s history, more people will unexpectedly find themselves in similar situations — though hopefully not as extreme as mine. If you are questioning your origins, I hope that my experiences can help you find answers because everyone has a right to know the truth about their origins. [Related: DNA Right To Know]
Here are some of the red flags that were present in my life before my adoption discovery:
NO PREGNANCY PHOTOS
There were no photos of my adoptive mother pregnant. Even as a child, I thought this was strange. Whenever the subject came up, my adoptive parents always recited some variation of the same excuse: she didn’t want to be photographed appearing “fat” during the pregnancy. My adoptive mother was very narcissistic, so this explanation was convincing. Still, something about their explanation didn’t feel right to me on a deeper level and reinforced my long-standing belief that my adoptive mother didn’t love me the way most mothers love their children. In reality, most women from the past 50 or so years probably have at least one or two photos of themselves pregnant; especially with their first baby. If there are no photos of your mother visibly pregnant, this could be a red flag. If there are photos of your mother pregnant (or in which you’ve been told she is pregnant) but you still have doubts about the authenticity, look on the back of the photo for a date stamp or handwritten notes. Also look at details in the photo’s background, clothing, hairstyles, newspapers, vehicles, etc. Old photos often hold more clues than we think, and these little bits of information can be helpful to establish (or even disprove) a pregnancy timeline. [Related: How to date family photographs]
NO BABY SHOWER / PHOTOS
A baby shower is a party held for a pregnant woman near the birth of her first baby. In the United States, baby showers are often celebrated for first babies, but not usually for subsequent pregnancies. In the case of my adoptive mother, I was her only child and she absolutely would have had a baby shower if she had been pregnant. My adoptive parents enjoyed entertaining, hosting lavish holiday dinners, having people over for big parties, hosting birthday & anniversary parties, and other events -– all of which were heavily photographed. (including my Annie-themed 6th birthday party held on my “gotcha day!”) So, it would have been very unusual for them not to have a baby shower, especially since I was their first (and only) child. Are you unable to find any photos of a baby shower for your mother? Keep in mind that not everyone has a baby shower, especially if they have more than one child. Other reasons someone may not have a baby shower (even for a first baby) include financial concerns, not having a close relationship with family, living far away from family, already having plenty of everything, or simply not wanting to have one. If it appears there was no baby shower for your mother, (lack of photos, no baby/congratulations greeting cards from friends & family, a keepsake invitation, etc.) and that seems inconsistent with other life celebrations, this could possibly be a red flag.
NO NEWBORN OR HOSPITAL PHOTOS
Most people born in the United States since the 1950s probably have at least one or two photos of themselves as a newborn or very young baby. I was born in late 1976, and my adoptive parents had albums filled with photos from the years before my birth and after my birth, yet there are exactly zero photos that corresponded with her supposed pregnancy or my birth. This was very inconsistent with the way my adoptive parents photographed life prior to, and after, my birth. The first photo I have of myself is from about one week old and was taken at my adoptive parent’s home. There were no hospital keepsakes, hospital baby portraits, footprint certificate, hospital wristbands, hospital papers, etc. I remember being young and noticing the lack of photos of myself as a newborn, and my adoptive parents telling me they “weren’t allowed” to take photos of me in the hospital or as a newborn because the flash could have made me sick… (seriously!) Obviously, this was just another lie they told to maintain their story in the mind of an innocent child. If there are no photos of you and/or your mother in the hospital, no hospital mementos, and/or no photos of you in the days (or even weeks or months) following your birth, this could be a red flag. This is especially true if your parents took lots of photos in the time before your birth and after your birth, but there’s an obvious gap surrounding your birth. If you are one of multiple children in your family, keep in mind that sometimes (not always) the number of photos parents take of their children as babies decreases with subsequent births (ex. lots of photos of the first baby, but not as many photos of the second or third baby.) If you are a younger adult (under 30) born during the age of digital photography, you should expect to see numerous photos (printed and/or digital) of yourself as a baby. While not every family has access to expensive photography equipment, over the past few decades even some of the cheapest mobile phones all over the world have included cameras. So if you’ve been told by your family that “We couldn’t afford a camera that’s why there are no photos of you as a baby,” you should probably consider that to be suspicious. Regardless of when you were born, look at the overall number of photos you have seen of yourself as a baby while taking into consideration what makes the most sense in the context of your family’s circumstances.
APPEARANCE NOT CONSISTENT WITH JUST GIVING BIRTH
I know what my adoptive mother looked like for most of the 1970s from the hundreds of pictures in their photo albums. As I mentioned before, I was always told there were no photos of her pregnant because she didn’t want to be photographed appearing “fat.” Yet in photos taken during the weeks following my placement with them, her body appears suspiciously normal — I can’t believe I never noticed this detail prior to my adoption discovery! She was obviously wearing regular 1970s clothing (not the atrocious maternity styles of the late 70s) with neatly styled hair, form-fitting clothing, and her regular assortment of rings & jewelry (i.e., no swelling, weight gain, larger breasts, IV bruising, etc., which are very common in a full-term pregnancy.) Women’s bodies simply do not shrink back to their pre-pregnancy size within one week of birth like my adoptive mother supposedly did — sometimes they never do. Look at your newborn photos, if you have any, and check for these types of details. While these clues alone do not prove you are adopted, they add to the big picture if other red flags are present.
BIRTH LOCATION DOESN’T MAKE SENSE
Before my adoption discovery, I never really thought about the actual location of the hospital where I was born in relation to my adoptive parents’ home at the time. I now realize how strange it is that I was born an hour away from my adoptive parent’s home when there were multiple hospitals much closer to them. At the time of my birth, my adoptive parents lived in southern New Jersey in the suburbs of Philadelphia, where there are numerous major, mid-sized, and community hospitals. The location of the hospital where I was born never seemed questionable to me before my discovery; I think it was probably because we moved to a town very close to this hospital when I was young, so it never really felt far away to me. Looking at all of this now, I realize this was obviously a red flag. In reality, unless there are unusual circumstances, I don’t believe most pregnant women in 1976 (especially in the era before cell phones) would willingly drive to a hospital a long distance away while in labor, especially when there were numerous other hospitals much closer with better medical reputations. If you’re questioning your own origins, check where your birth certificate states you were born, and think about your parent’s residence at the time of your birth. If you have any siblings, find out where they were born as well. If the locations don’t make sense, find out what circumstances led to you being born there (ex. you were born on a military base, but your parents have no military affiliation, or you were born in a different state far from your parent’s residence, etc.) If your parents lived in a very rural area with limited access to healthcare, perhaps being born in a hospital far from your home wouldn’t be unusual. However, if your birth certificate states that it is amended, this is definitely a red flag. (I’ll share more about that below…)
EXPRESSIONLESS BABY PHOTOS / APPEARING IN NEUTRAL
If you have photos of yourself as a baby, examine your facial expressions, though only if you have a decent amount of photos to compare. If there is a large percentage of photos where you appear expressionless, or like you are existing in a neutral state at a very young age, this could be an indication of early separation trauma associated with newborn adoption. However, there are other reasons why you could appear expressionless that are unrelated to adoption (ex. poorly timed photos, your personality, developmental delays, etc.) In my case, none of those apply. I have hundreds of photos of myself as a young baby, even some taken in rapid succession, and in at least 50% of those photos, I appear to be in neutral or with a blank stare, even in photos where someone is holding me or engaging with me. In the remaining photos, I have either a slight expression, appear sad, or mildly happy at best. It‘s not until around age 2 that I start to see more consistent smiles in photos of myself. I never really thought about this much prior to my adoption discovery, but looking at the photos now, and especially after having three babies of my own, I see a very sad reality — that baby girl absolutely knew something was very wrong. It’s heartbreaking. [Related: The Primal Wound]
LACK OF FAMILY RESEMBLANCE / ALTERING YOUR APPEARANCE
I never thought I looked very much like my adoptive parents. As a young person, my adoptive parents always told me I didn’t look like them because I got all of my features & traits from my adoptive grandmother’s family -– the ones we conveniently didn’t know much about and had minimal contact with. As an adult, I know this simply is not how genetic inheritance works, but I was a child and my adoptive parents continuously exploited my innocence to fulfill their own needs. Over the years, any small resemblance that I may have coincidentally had to one of their relatives was exaggerated, and I was reminded of it over & over again to reinforce (in my mind) that I was absolutely their biological child. In reality, I did not look like their relatives, but I wholeheartedly grew to believe it. It was one of those situations that if you’re told something enough times from a very young age you will believe it without question. (i.e. brainwashing, programming, indoctrination, etc.) As I got older, it was surely becoming more obvious to the outside world that I could not possibly be their biological child (especially my adoptive mother’s child) and I’m certain this must have made her very uncomfortable. There were numerous ways she tried to counteract this, but most notably, when I was around 10 years old, she began manipulating me into believing that I didn’t look good with my naturally very dark hair. (especially since people asked on numerous occasions if I was “part Asian” presumably due to my Scandinavian eye shape and dark hair which they wrongly assumed meant I had some Asian ancestry.) She would tell me over and over again that my dark hair looked ugly against my pale skin and, as a result, my hair color “had to” be changed. When school ended for the summer, she forcibly bleached and dyed my dark hair to the exact same shade of red as hers. At only 10 years old, dyeing my hair became a regular part of my routine, and about every 5-6 weeks she would buy a box of hair dye for me (the same color as hers) and help me touch up the color. After a few times, I was able to do it myself, and my hair remained a shade of red well into my 20s. [View a before & after comparison.] At the time, I wasn’t able to recognize how incredibly abnormal this was, though I do remember her instructing me to tell people (if they asked) that my hair color had changed so drastically because the sun had lightened it over the summer… (seriously!) It’s obvious now that this was her attempt to try to make me look more like her. I mean really — outside of someone who abducts a child & is trying to change their appearance so they are not located, what kind of person bleaches and dyes a young child’s hair without the child wanting it? A very sick person… Today, it is common for kids to ask for all different colors of hair, plus there are so many safer products now. But in the 1980s, it was not common for a young child to have their hair bleached and dyed to a completely different color with the sole intention of making the child unrecognizable. It’s so incredibly wicked! Sometimes, biological children don’t look exactly like their siblings or parents, but they usually have some obvious resemblance to each other. If you truly do not physically resemble anyone in your immediate family, or you just don’t feel like you “belong,” this could be a red flag that warrants additional investigation or even DNA testing.
APPEARANCE DOESN’T MATCH YOUR SUPPOSED RACE OR ETHNICITY
There is no all-inclusive, universal appearance for any race or ethnicity. However, in some cases, people who could be adopted may feel the race and/or ethnicity they’ve been told doesn’t match how they see themselves or how they feel inside. I deeply experienced these identity issues because, despite their efforts, my adoptive parents’ ethnic backgrounds didn’t match up with my appearance or how I felt inside. My adoptive mother was Greek with olive-toned skin and larger facial features. My adoptive father is 100% Italian, also with olive-toned skin and larger facial features. Despite having naturally dark hair, I never believed I looked like someone whose very recent ancestors (only 1-2 generations back) came from the Mediterranean. I began to recognize these discrepancies during my youth when I was unable to see myself in the people around me –- especially my adoptive mother’s closest relatives who live in Greece. I was always told they were my closest relatives on the planet, yet I couldn’t see even the slightest resemblance between us. My adoptive parents would point out small similarities between me and their family members from time to time to “prove” that I was biologically related to them. Sometimes I could see it, and other times I didn’t. I also remember my friends being surprised to learn I was Greek and Italian too because they assumed I was Irish, English, or Northern European (which I actually am!) Even other Greek people that I met over the years were surprised to learn I was part Greek. Obviously, they were all right! This lack of resemblance, not feeling like I fit in with my adoptive family, and not feeling fully connected to my heritage is what drove me to begin researching my family’s history in my 20s. I was genuinely seeking people who looked like me, acted like me, and felt like me –- I think this is a natural need and desire in everyone, regardless if you are adopted or not. The overwhelming success of services such as Ancestry and 23andme certainly supports this notion. So, if you are questioning your own origins, think about the people in your family that you physically resemble, if any. Think about your ethnic backgrounds and if they make sense in the context of you. If some of these areas don’t add up, you may want to do further research or even consider DNA testing.
BEING AN ONLY CHILD, OR HAVING ADOPTED SIBLINGS
I was raised as an only child, but when I was young I used to always wish for siblings. I can’t imagine the happiness and wholeness I would have experienced as a young person knowing that I actually had three little sisters living just a few miles away my entire life! The grief of never having the opportunity to know my parents and sisters (or anyone from my biological family) as a child overwhelms me at times. As a child, whenever I would ask my adoptive parents why I didn’t have any brothers or sisters, they would always tell me that after they had me they “broke the mold” because they couldn’t handle any more kids “like me,” or something along those lines that made it seem like it was my own fault that they chose to stop having children. This was just another one of their lies, at the expense of my mental health and self-worth, to conceal the fact that they were being extraordinarily dishonest with me. Another possible red flag to consider is if you have siblings who are openly adopted; especially if hiding their adoption status would be very difficult (ex. if they are a transracial adoptee or if they were adopted as an older child.) Being an only child or having an adopted sibling absolutely does not mean you are adopted, but if there are other red flags present in your life in addition to being an only child or having an adopted sibling, you may want to look deeper into your roots, or even consider DNA testing.
INHERITED MEDICAL CONDITIONS (PRESENCE OR ABSENCE)
If you have been diagnosed with a medical condition that typically runs in families, but nobody else in your family has it, and there are no known carriers, this could be a red flag. (or even possibly the opposite — where your parents are carriers or have the condition, but you do not.) When I was in my 30s, my adoptive father was diagnosed with a medical condition with a strong genetic component. After his diagnosis, I was thoroughly tested, but thankfully everything was normal. Obviously, there was no real risk to me, but I had no way to know that at the time. Rather than using his diagnosis as an opportunity to finally be honest with me, my adoptive father chose to allow me to believe there was a possibility that either myself and/or my children could have inherited this potentially very serious condition. I went through all of the medical tests and emotional stress and the entire time he had full knowledge that there was no reason for any of it. Even my children’s pediatrician was notified of his diagnosis and was keeping an eye on things as a precaution. Another example… When I was pregnant with my first child in 2009, I developed a medical condition called preeclampsia. Preeclampsia is a condition that only occurs during pregnancy, which can cause very high blood pressure, protein in the urine (a sign of pending kidney problems), and a variety of other issues. It can range from very mild (some women don’t notice any symptoms) to very severe and life-threatening to the mother and the baby. Each year, approximately 70,000 women and 500,000 babies worldwide die as a result of preeclampsia [see source]. While researchers have not yet been able to find the exact cause, sometimes, preeclampsia can run in families. I was very fortunate because, during my first pregnancy, I had mild preeclampsia with very few problems. My daughter was born perfectly healthy and at full term and went home the same day that I did. After my daughter’s birth, I asked my adoptive mother if she had any similar issues during her pregnancy or with my birth. My adoptive parents and I had a lengthy conversation about how “easy” her natural, drug-free delivery was, and how there were no complications at all. They proudly talked about her completely imaginary pregnancy & birth scenario like it was fact; which strongly contributed to me choosing to have another baby without much concern. Prior to my second pregnancy, I even shared my adoptive mother’s fictional pregnancy & birth experience with my Ob/Gyn who, based on that false medical history, believed I was probably not at any increased risk for preeclampsia in future pregnancies. Unfortunately, I did develop preeclampsia again in my second pregnancy, but this time it was very severe and I was hospitalized at 31 weeks pregnant. At 32 weeks pregnant, I became medically unstable and my condition was deteriorating to HELLP syndrome, (a very serious & life-threatening complication) so my son was born via emergent c-section. Thankfully, my son was completely healthy (despite his prematurity) and spent five uneventful weeks in the NICU. One day after his birth, however, in what has been described to me as an extremely rare complication of the most severe forms of preeclampsia, I lost my vision. I’m not talking about the side effects of magnesium sulfate, the medication given to patients with preeclampsia which can cause some temporary blurriness. I literally woke up in the hospital that morning blind — unable to see anything or anyone, including my newborn son. I was transferred to a hospital in Philadelphia, which has an affiliation with Wills Eye Hospital, one of the best eye hospitals in the world. They determined I had bilateral serous retinal detachments which were directly caused by severe preeclampsia. Thankfully, my vision fully returned within a few months of delivery, but had I known the medical history my adoptive parents shared with me about my adoptive mother’s “pregnancy” was a complete work of fiction, I absolutely would have done more to learn about preeclampsia and my personal risk for developing it again. Their lies literally could have cost me, and my baby, our lives! I’d love to hear my adoptive parents try to justify all of this now… There is simply no justification for placing another person’s physical and mental health in jeopardy –- especially your own family! For 40 years, each time I walked into a doctor’s office I was being treated based upon a completely falsified family medical history –- so did my children for the first few years of their lives. The reality is it was more important to my adoptive parents to maintain their secrets than to ensure the long-term health of me and my children. Even if a reunion with the biological family isn’t possible or isn’t desired, adoptees need access to and knowledge of their biological family’s medical history.
EMPHASIS ON BOOKS, FILMS & TV SHOWS INVOLVING ADOPTION
As a child, the 1982 film Annie was pushed on me by my adoptive parents. If you’re not familiar, Annie is the story of a young girl living in a New York City orphanage in the 1930s who ends up being adopted by a billionaire and lives “happily ever after”. My adoptive parents took me to see the play and the film. I had all of the Annie toys, dolls, books, records, clothes, VHS tape, and even the little red and white dress that Annie wears in the final scenes of the film. I was Annie for Halloween that year, too. The following month, I had an elaborate Annie-themed birthday party on my Gotcha Day which I’ve written about in another post. I liked Annie, but I don’t remember ever being overly enthusiastic about it, though it was still pushed on me heavily. I also was given many Cabbage Patch dolls and accessories over the years. If you’re not familiar, Cabbage Patch dolls come with adoption papers. I had a dozen or more of the regular Cabbage Patch dolls. Even after the initial Cabbage Patch craze passed, along with my interest in them, my adoptive parents still continued buying them. We had rare, collector’s versions of the dolls, hand-stitched official dolls, and even full-sized porcelain versions which I wasn’t allowed to touch and were kept in a special glass doll display case. (lol!) Obviously, my adoptive parents had motives for pushing this kind of material on me as a child… If you were force-fed books, films, television shows, toys, etc. that are focused on adoption, perhaps this is another clue to examine.
STRONG OPPOSITION TO DNA TESTS / GENEALOGY
If you have expressed an interest in learning more about your family’s history by doing a DNA test such as Ancestry or 23andme, but were met with strong opposition from your family, this is honestly very suspicious, especially if there are other red flags present in your life. Shockingly, I didn’t actually experience this, but it’s something to keep in mind if DNA testing is a sensitive topic in your family. Many people have legitimate concerns about their privacy relating to DNA testing, but they probably wouldn’t order other family members to avoid such tests unless there is something they are trying to hide. If this is something that seems questionable to you, it could be a red flag worth exploring. Personally, this kind of reaction from my family would only make me want to take a DNA test even more, but do what feels right for your circumstances. Other reasons your family could have issues with DNA testing that are unrelated to you being adopted include a lack of understanding of how DNA testing works, fear of the unknown, fears about their own parentage, affairs that could have produced a child outside of an established relationship, knowing someone in your family committed a crime that could be discovered if anyone does DNA testing, or having fears about how the DNA test results could be used by employers, health insurance, government, etc. There are many reasons why some people may be opposed to DNA testing, so if you do decide to proceed with a test despite your family’s objections, you should familiarize yourself with your testing service’s privacy settings ahead of time (ex. keeping your name private, what info is shared with your DNA matches, knowing how to hide your profile from your DNA matches, etc.) and begin to work on a plan for how you will address (or not address) any unexpected findings your DNA test uncovers. [Related: How to Protect Your DNA Data]
BOTTLE-FED AS A BABY
If you are an adult wondering if you could be adopted, being bottle-fed as a baby is a very subtle clue you may have overlooked because many biological children are also bottle-fed. In my baby photos, there are bottles frequently pictured — in my hand, on the counter, on the floor, in an adult’s hands, etc. However, at some point when I was very young, my adoptive mother began telling me the tale (and frequently reminded me over the years) of how she feverishly tried to breastfeed me as a newborn but, according to her, I was “very hungry” and “very aggressive,” and that during her heroic attempts to breastfeed me, I caused her physical harm. That’s right — she claimed little helpless 8-pound infant me harmed her — a full-grown adult. As a result, she told me she had no choice but to bottle-feed me. I remember hearing this tale many times as a young person and wondering to myself “What is so wrong with me” that I couldn’t even eat like a normal baby. I believe this was 100% her intention — making me believe at my core that I was faulty from day one, not that the problem was actually her. After learning of my adoption in 2017, this story replayed in my mind over and over again, and I was struck by the sheer cruelty of it. This story is now verifiably false, so what was her motive for stating it to me as a child and repeating it to me over the years? Some words that immediately come to mind are control, exploitation, and domination. I imagine, in her mind, that she needed to find some way to justify the baby bottles that were visible in photos, even if that meant throwing me (a young child at the time) under the bus to do so. Many biological children are bottle-fed, but I believe she must have viewed this as a possible red flag and wanted to curb any doubts about my parentage before they arose. But the way she chose to handle it was mean-spirited and extraordinarily harmful. She could have said nothing about it, or told me she didn’t want to breastfeed, or that she wasn’t able to breastfeed for some reason, or that she alternated between breast & bottle. Instead, she chose to make me believe there was actually something wrong with me that caused it. It’s grotesque and perfectly exemplifies the type of cruel and twisted emotional abuse I was constantly subjected to by my adoptive mother for 33 years until her death. So, look at photos from the first 1-2 years of your life, and look in the background, on counters, in your crib, etc. to see if there are bottles visible, especially if you’ve been told that you were “exclusively” breastfed. Again, being bottle-fed absolutely does not mean you are adopted, but if there are other red flags present, or you’ve been told similar tales about being “difficult” to breastfeed as a baby, this may be another piece of the puzzle.
INTENTIONALLY ISOLATED FROM OTHERS AS A CHILD
I was intentionally isolated from others as a child. Isolation is a common tactic used by abusers to control their victims and to distort the victim’s sense of self, and reality. This continuous social isolation, along with extreme gaslighting by my adoptive parents, caused me severe harm that still impacts me today. In friendships, I wasn’t allowed to go to many friends’ houses (just a few “approved” friends and even that was very limited) and I was rarely allowed to stay long or to sleep over. It was during these interactions at friends’ houses that I first began to notice how different my family was from the families of my friends. I also began to recognize that my adoptive mother’s behaviors were not normal, though I felt completely helpless and scared to do anything about it — especially since my adoptive father never stepped in on my behalf. In my family life, we only associated with a small group of my adoptive father’s very large Italian family. My adoptive mother had a very small family (no siblings) and most of her remaining family lived in Greece, so they were pretty much out of the picture for our day-to-day lives. After my adoption discovery in 2017, I learned that nearly everyone in my adoptive parents’ lives knew about my adoption, so it makes a lot of sense that my adoptive parents would purposely keep us apart in case anyone accidentally mentioned my adoption. (it actually did happen once when I was very young but my adoptive mother explained it away to me & I innocently believed her, though I never forgot it…) Over the years, my adoptive mother stated a variety of reasons why we did not socialize with my adoptive father’s entire family, often telling me they were “trashy” and “beneath us.” Multiple times during my youth, she even implied that my adoptive father’s father (my adoptive grandfather) was a “pervert” and to never be alone with him. (wtf?!) I want to be clear that I believe this was a complete lie and I never had any experience with him that would make me think there was any truth behind it. In reality, the only person who was doing anything inappropriate of that nature to me was her... Again–I do not believe what she said about my adoptive grandfather to be true, but hearing these kinds of things as a child over and over again absolutely made me think less of them at the time and caused me to not be very interested in knowing them. I’m sure this was probably her ultimate intention — keeping us separate at any cost so their secret would remain safe. Not only was I denied knowledge of my biological origins or the opportunity to know my sisters while I was growing up, but I was also denied the opportunity to potentially create bonds with my adoptive father’s family as well. It’s disgusting! My adoptive father never defended his family’s name when she would make these kinds of statements — so of course I believed he did not disagree with her assessments. If you were inexplicably isolated from close family or friends as a child with no obvious causes then this could indicate a family secret exists. While that secret is not necessarily adoption-related, this is just not how a healthy family functions and indicates something more is probably going on behind the scenes. [Related: How Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children]
EXPECTED TO DO AGE-INAPPROPRIATE TASKS AS A MINOR
Growing up, my adoptive mother’s mother (my adoptive grandmother) lived with us. By the time I was 15 years old, she was suffering from some debilitating medical problems that ultimately left her unable to walk, stand, or care for herself. As a result, my adoptive parents assigned me to be her caregiver, along with my adoptive father. It was my daily responsibility to do an enormous amount of physically and emotionally draining care for her including all physical transfers, all toileting (including wiping and changing her diapers which she frequently soiled due to severe gastrointestinal issues), bathing (full body, including breasts and genitals), dressing/changing, her laundry, medication management, glucose monitoring, and assistance with feeding. Meanwhile, my adoptive mother literally did nothing for her own mother — this is not an exaggeration. She always claimed she “couldn’t” help her and would literally sit nearby in her armchair with her feet up, drinking, smoking, and watching television while a minor (me) changed her mother’s dirty diapers. She never even helped me at times when it was obvious I was struggling with her care and needed help (ex. diarrhea diaper blowouts.) When my adoptive father returned home from work in the evenings, most of these responsibilities transferred to him. It was an awful thing to be forced to do as a young person, but I am proud that even under those extreme circumstances, I wouldn’t allow my adoptive grandmother to suffer or be neglected, even when it sadly came at my own expense. (Read more about my duties as my adoptive grandmother’s nurse). There is so much more to that story, but obviously, this was a terrible position for a minor to be placed in, and it enrages me to think about how my adoptive parents could have possibly justified any of this in their minds. While there are families where children are sometimes asked to help out with household chores or a family business in an age-appropriate way, this was far beyond what any reasonable person would call a “chore” or an “appropriate” task for a minor, especially since there was a fully capable adult in the home who was not already helping with her care. (i.e., my adoptive mother.) Since 2017, I’ve noticed a disturbing theme among the many adoptees I’ve met and communicated with: adoptees who were forced as minors to do age-inappropriate work for their adoptive parents. In some cases, I’ve even learned about the adopted child being required to do this type of work while the adoptive parents’ biological children were spared of these duties. If you were required to do age-inappropriate tasks for your parents as a minor, which most reasonable people would consider to be unethical or just wrong for a child or teenager (such as acting as a full maid, nurse, chef, childcare provider, laborer, etc.) this could possibly be a red flag, especially if other red flags are present. If you were forced to do these types of things as a minor, or even worse things, I am so very sorry you had to go through it, and I absolutely understand your pain. While experiencing something like this certainly means your parents were lacking in judgment, it does not necessarily prove you are adopted. If you have siblings who were never required to do the type of work you did, (or any other types of inappropriate tasks) and you feel fairly certain these siblings are the biological children of your parents, this could be another red flag. Again, this doesn’t prove you are adopted but definitely think about any other red flags in your life, and perhaps consider DNA testing to get a definitive answer (and hopefully some peace!) [Related: Parentification of children]
NOT FEELING CONNECTED TO YOUR PARENTS ON A DEEPER LEVEL / ABUSE BY A PARENT
For most of my life, I didn’t feel especially close or connected to my adoptive parents, particularly my adoptive mother (my abuser) who was an alcoholic and had serious untreated mental health issues. I always felt out of place, in the way, and uncomfortable within my own family. I often wondered why they even wanted a child in the first place, especially with the type of lifestyle they lived. I always felt more like an accessory they could show off or brag about; often with grossly exaggerated or even completely fabricated accomplishments my adoptive mother would brag about to anyone who would listen. (cringing thinking about it!) It was so humiliating and degrading. By the time I was ten years old, I recognized several major differences between my adoptive parent’s interactions with each other, and with me, and the interactions between the families of my friends. This became especially evident around this time (mid-1980s) when my adoptive mother’s drinking escalated and her abusive behaviors became much more problematic. During that period, there was constant psychological abuse from my adoptive mother and more frequent physical abuse –- mostly in the form of cigarette burns and random punches, pinches, pushing, and other menacing behaviors. At one point in my mid-teens, my adoptive mother was lecturing me about the ‘dangers’ of premarital sex (eyeroll) and informed me that the only reason I existed was because she got pregnant after a condom broke. Not knowing I was adopted at the time, naturally, I interpreted this to mean that I was unplanned and unwanted by them, which reinforced my long-standing belief that my adoptive mother did not love me the way most mothers love their children. Obviously I know now that this was just another lie she told to support all of their other lies. Another time when I was in grade 11, she hit me in the face so hard during a drunken rage that she gave me a black eye. This happened because she had been snooping through my personal belongings (something she did all the time) and found something in my desk that made her wrongly believe I was having sex with my boyfriend (which I was not at the time) and it threw her into an absolute frenzy. At times like that, there was no talking, no explaining, no rationalizing with her — you just had to ride it out and dissociate until the episode ended. The following morning, I woke up for school with the most obvious black eye I’ve ever had in my entire life. Despite my best efforts with makeup, a teacher at my school, and my close friends, asked me what happened. I was programmed from a young age to hide the realities of what went on at home, so I instinctively came up with a ridiculous story about accidentally bumping my face into a bathroom counter while drying my hair. Unfortunately, everyone seemed to believe me, and nobody ever questioned that injury any further. On a happier note — a few months ago I was fortunate enough to personally thank this former teacher of mine for attempting to help me which was amazing! Another time, she became enraged about something and briefly strangled me (while yelling “I hate you”) which left an obvious bruise around my neck. This wasn’t the only time she put her hands around my neck — nor was is the only time she told me she hated me — but it was the first time she did it hard enough to leave a noticeable bruise. Extinguishing cigarettes on my body was another one of her favorite ways to silence me when I dared to question her bad behaviors — I still have a few of the scars on my body today. I won’t mention some of the much darker things she did to me as a child, but if you’ve already made it this far you can probably guess that it wasn’t good… Despite these long term abusive behaviors, my adoptive father perpetually did nothing to protect me from her or to get her the help she very obviously needed. He just stood by silent, allowing her to escalate and cause all sorts of serious problems — mostly at my expense. Even the relationship between my adoptive parents was extraordinarily dysfunctional and just a façade. My adoptive father is absolutely not innocent in all of this, but to be fair, he was victimized by her to some degree as well. However, unlike me, he was an adult that came from a loving, supportive family and he had all of the tools, life knowledge, and the physical ability to leave or make changes for the well-being of his family — he just chose not to. There’s too many examples I could share about her awful behaviors towards him, but a few definitely stand out… Shortly after they were married, and without warning, one day while he was at work she got rid of his cat. Can you imagine coming home from work and discovering that your beloved pet was suddenly gone and that your spouse was responsible and completely unremorseful? That alone would have been enough for me to walk away from any relationship! He stayed. Another time before I was born, she pretended to have a very serious freak accident at home and called him at work acting hysterical and pretending to be severely injured when in reality it was just a “joke.” He abruptly left his work duties and raced home in a panic only to find her completely uninjured and laughing maniacally at him for actually falling for it. That is genuinely concerning behavior (and borderline sociopathic!) While she certainly showed very little respect for him and treated him extremely poorly at times, sadly, she reserved her most vile behaviors for me — a child. It really shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone in her life that she had these tendencies –– the signs were always there. I recently went through a bunch of boxes of old photographs and other items, and in one of them I found a series of reports from her school as a child. There were numerous reports of bad behavior and aggression towards other children — especially children that were younger than her. One of the reports specifically stated that she liked to physically “punish” other children when she felt they were misbehaving. These behaviors, apparently, were never addressed at any point in her youth and were allowed to flourish. This obviously carried over into her adult life as well. When she died somewhat suddenly in 2010, I did not feel sad. In fact, I felt an enormous sense of relief. Clearly, that is not the result of a normal, healthy, secure parent/child relationship, but that of a deeply troubled one. While abuse alone, sadly, does not prove that you are adopted, children in foster care and adoptive homes are more likely to be abused than children raised within their biological families. Again, being abused by a parent does not mean you are adopted, but if you have similar experiences it may be something that calls for further investigation –- especially if there are other adoption red flags present. [Related: Traumatic Bonding]
EXCESSIVE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
Nobody wants to be abandoned by someone they love; this is a very normal feeling. However, it is well documented that adoptees often have more extreme fears of abandonment and other attachment issues throughout their lives than non-adopted individuals. Sadly, adoptees are also much more likely to commit suicide and are almost twice as likely to develop a substance use disorder than the general population. I had intense fears of abandonment and anxiety throughout my life, as many adoptees do; but since I did not know I was adopted, I experienced these issues completely out of context. In my friendships, I believed that people didn’t really want to be friends with me or socialize with me, and just felt bad for me or felt obligated to be nice. Of course, much of this was also reinforced by the cruel and/or false things my adoptive mother told me which grossly distorted my sense of reality for much of my life. As much as I enjoyed my friendships, it was often difficult for me to initiate plans with them, because, in my mind, I thought they didn’t really want to hang out with me. When I was invited to do something or go somewhere with friends, I wanted to participate, though often I was not allowed to go — especially if any boys would be there. (eye roll…) My adoptive mother would tell me, instead, to invite them over to our house. Obviously, that wasn’t always what teenagers wanted to do on a Friday or Saturday night, so I was sometimes left out. In romantic relationships, there was always a sense (in my mind) that the relationship I was in — no matter how good it may have been at the time — was destined to fail and that they would inevitably leave because I was unlovable, unworthy, undesirable, etc. These repetitive thoughts triggered something deep within me that I couldn’t explain, and didn’t understand, but I also couldn’t stop myself from acting them out due to pure fear. This, regrettably, led to some self-sabotaging behaviors on my part. My heart breaks for my younger self and all that she went through alone without understanding why. My adoptive mother was very narcissistic, and genuinely saw herself as irresistible to men. Starting around when I was age 12, (or at least that’s when I first became aware of it) she would be very flirtatious and inappropriate with men and teenage boys — even my own boyfriends and male friends. This extended beyond just people I knew. Anytime we went to a restaurant, if there was a teenage boy working as a server or helper (or in any capacity, really) she would usually start asking him personal questions and being very inappropriate. It was so embarrassing and honestly weird. She would frequently exhibit these behaviors in front of my adoptive father, but he never once tried stopping her, and it happened a lot. For example, one time when I was around 21 years old, my boyfriend & I went to dinner with my adoptive parents at a very nice restaurant. My adoptive mother was very drunk and during the meal she repeatedly reached under the table to seductively rub my boyfriend’s thighs. (seriously, wtf?!) I pleaded with her to stop, and clearly remember looking directly into my adoptive father’s eyes for help, but she kept going and my adoptive father didn’t try to stop her. Eventually, I switched seats with my poor boyfriend, who was too polite (and probably too stunned) to say anything. This is just one example among many of her inappropriate (and even sexually inappropriate) behaviors. I always got the sense that she was competing with me for the love & attention of men — even my own boyfriends and male friends; but this was a competition that existed strictly within her own mind. I never understood her behaviors, but the ramifications of these incidents deeply impacted how I saw myself as a young woman. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to understand this part of myself earlier in life to avoid these kinds of thought patterns and behaviors from happening in the first place. As a parent myself, it blows my mind that my adoptive parents saw these predictable patterns developing in me as an adopted child, but did not get me the post-adoption care I should have received, because doing so would have exposed their lies (and obviously, my adoptive mother’s abuse!) It’s yet another sad example of their lies being more important to them than my long-term health and well-being… It’s unforgivable. Having anxiety and attachment issues are certainly not exclusive to adoption, but if you think you might have a deeper than normal fear of abandonment or other attachment issues, along with other red flags, this could be something that warrants further investigation. [Related: Traumatic Bonding]
SECRETS, SECRETS & MORE SECRETS…
If you grew up in a family where there are multitudes of secrets, patterns of unethical behaviors, spying, leading a double life, and just SO MUCH more going on than the outside world knows, you are not alone. Growing up, there were so many things I had to keep secret from the outside world regarding my home life, my adoptive parents, their marriage, their finances, their behaviors, my adoptive father’s businesses, the abuse, etc. I carried so much shame regarding these issues for a large portion of my life — even up until my adoption discovery; burdens that were never mine to carry, but were unfairly placed upon my shoulders by those who should have been protecting me. I don’t want to go into great detail for various reasons but will share one example for clarification. When I went away to college in 1995 I was not allowed to bring my car. My school was only about one hour away, but my adoptive mother made it clear that she would not let me have my car at school because she didn’t want me to leave my college campus. This was 1995-98; before cell phones were used for regular communication, before texting, before apps, and before social media. So my adoptive mother would call me on the landline in my college dorm at random times of day and night when she knew I didn’t have a class to make sure I was where I was supposed to be at any given time. It was just another unnecessary stress at a time in most people’s lives when they are enjoying their independence, preparing for their future, and learning to become responsible adults. Naturally, there were a number of times that she called and I wasn’t in my room at the moment, so she would leave angry, rage-filled messages on my voicemail warning me to call her as soon as I got her message “or else…” (a phrase she conditioned me to be mortally fearful of since my early childhood and periodically followed through with in her physical abuse of me.) Even if I innocently went to the school cafeteria or bookstore I always had an underlying fear that I would miss a call from her. So, when I went back to school the second semester I was obviously shocked that she let me bring my car; with strings attached, of course. She told me that she would be calling me from time to time to do some “favors” for her, specifically to visit an address about 25 minutes from my school to see if my adoptive father’s car was there. She instructed me to bring my camera so I could take photographs of his car — if it was there. At the time, I didn’t know whose house it was, (I do now) but I absolutely knew why she wanted me to do it. It wasn’t something we ever talked about openly as a family, yet we all independently knew ‘it’ existed. It was one of my adoptive parents’ biggest secrets, and to this day, only a handful of people know the details. Just another example of how sick my adoptive mother was and how dysfunctional their marriage actually was. If you’re reading this and wondering if you could be adopted, think about a few things: if unethical & strange things like this happen in your family, there is a chance that your family probably wouldn’t think twice about keeping a secret (like the fact that you are adopted) from you as well. On the same note, having problems in your family does not mean you are adopted. Having an abusive parent, or a parent who lies, steals, spies & lives a double life also does not mean you are adopted. But, if your parents are openly willing to lie, manipulate, steal, cheat, abuse, and deceive each other on a regular basis, it is probably more likely that they’d be willing to lie to you about being adopted as well. It’s very important to take any other red flags in your life into consideration as well and look at the big picture. Finally, if you are in a situation like this and have suspicions that you could be adopted, I would urge you to use your best judgment before proceeding or asking too many questions. People will often go to extremes to protect their deeply hidden secrets, so always keep your own personal safety and mental health in mind, especially if you are dealing with people who have proven issues with personal ethics, or abusive & violent behaviors. [Related: US Government’s Definitions of Child Abuse & Neglect]
DOCUMENTS SUGGESTING AN ADOPTION
After my adoptive grandmother died in 1999, I was looking through one of her books and found a note inside in her handwriting. The note spoke about the adoption of a baby girl and noted a date of birth in 1960. I vaguely remember she had written a name as well, but I can’t remember what it was. At the time, I wondered if my adoptive grandmother secretly had another child that she had placed for adoption. She would have been 47 in 1960, and I thought maybe she couldn’t handle another child at that point in her life. I gave the note to my adoptive mother expecting her to be completely shocked, but instead, she brushed it off as though it was no big deal. I never saw the note again, but I have no doubt my adoptive mother destroyed it. I never spoke to her about it again, but I also never forgot about it. After my adoptive mother died in 2010, the subject re-emerged. I began to wonder if it was actually my adoptive mother who had a baby in 1960 (she would have been 15 years old in 1960) and that baby, a girl, was placed for adoption. It seemed entirely possible. Over the years, I often spoke about the letter with my adoptive father and the possibility that she had placed a child for adoption when she was a teenager. He repeatedly denied any knowledge of this, but also actively participated in these conversations with full knowledge that the note was actually about my adoption. Again, multiple missed opportunities for the truth to come out. I am positive the note had something to do with my adoption. My biological mother, Hollie, was born in 1960 –- the same year mentioned in the note. I believe the date was simply my adoptive grandmother’s note about my biological mother’s age. It’s positively maddening to know that as far back as 1999 I held a vital clue in my hands but wasn’t able to see it through all of my adoptive parents’ lies and manipulations. It’s infuriating! If you’ve found documents, notes, or other items that suggest someone in your family was adopted, or there are papers from an attorney, a child protection agency, an adoption agency, etc. this could be a red flag.
STRANGERS CALLING YOU BY A DIFFERENT NAME OR ASKING IF YOU HAVE A TWIN, SIBLING, ETC.
Numerous times in my life, I recall strangers approaching me in public using a different name, or asking me if I have a sister or a cousin because I looked a lot like someone they knew. Usually, these people were very enthusiastic about how much I looked like the person they knew. Obviously, my adoptive mother had a big problem with this. At some point in my childhood, I remember my adoptive mother making it seem like this was a normal occurrence that happened to everyone. I even recall her telling me that everyone in the world has a twin out there, so it wasn’t a “big deal” to have experiences like this. Still, these types of incidents happened throughout my life. One time in my 20s, a woman approached me in a store asking if I had a sister or a cousin named Jamie (one of my biological sister’s names) and asked me if I am adopted. I remember the name she said because I had a friend named Jamie, so it stood out to me — I never forgot that encounter for some reason. Another time, a friend of my sister’s sent her a text message with a photo of a woman on a train who looked a lot like her. Around that same time, I was living in a town that had a train into Philadelphia which I would use regularly. My sister no longer has the message, but there is definitely a chance it was me on that train. I think this type of thing probably happens to everyone from time to time, but if you notice patterns or someone is adamant that you look ‘exactly’ like someone they know, perhaps it is worth investigating. [Related: Three Identical Strangers]
AMENDED BIRTH CERTIFICATE (major red flag!)
In 2004, I was renewing my passport and needed my birth certificate. I asked my adoptive parents for it, but they told me it was lost. I found it strange that they misplaced my birth certificate, but never questioned them any further. I went to the county Vital Records office to request a new copy. After my adoption discovery in 2017, I learned that my adoptive parents intentionally destroyed all records about my adoption when I was very young so there would be no evidence left behind for me to find -– I’m assuming one of them did the same with my birth certificate. I do remember seeing it over the years, even into my teens, but it must have disappeared at some point in my early twenties. When I obtained the new copy of my birth certificate in 2004, it was a computer-generated form and looked nothing like the older one. One of the lines said “Date Amended (if applicable)” with the date of January 13, 1977 (44 days after my birth.) At the time this didn’t seem unusual to me, though I do recall the Vital Records clerk asking me about my adoption status (which I would have denied at that point in my life.) I assumed that in the 1970s things just took longer to process (not as many computers) and this was simply the date my birth certificate was officially filed. I honestly didn’t question it further until after I had already discovered I was adopted and learned the true significance of an amended birth certificate. The bottom line is if your birth certificate is amended, this should be an automatic red flag — more so than anything else on this list. While there are a few other reasons a birth certificate could be amended, (error or misspelling on the original, step-parent adoption, a name change, etc.) adoption is the most common.
YOU’VE READ MY LIST. WHAT NOW?
If you’ve read this list and have similar experiences, you may want to consider looking deeper into your origins. While none of these red flags, individually, can determine if you are adopted, they are all pieces of the puzzle to be evaluated. I suggest that you take some time to reflect on areas that seem questionable to you and search for evidence to either prove or disprove them. I only suggest beginning this type of investigation if you are fully prepared for the emotional fallout that may follow if there are any unexpected discoveries (good or bad.) In those situations, I strongly recommend working with an adoption and trauma-competent therapist or Psychiatrist and seeking the peer-to-peer support of other late discovery adoptees. [Related: Support for LDAs]
If you are ready to proceed with learning more about your true origins, these are a few of my suggestions:
1) ASK DIRECT QUESTIONS – As someone who is adopted and was denied the truth for forty years, I can tell you firsthand that some people in your life will feel completely entitled to hold onto vital information about your origins and family history even though it’s not theirs to keep: back then or now! Ask direct questions, (ex. Am I adopted? Why is my birth certificate amended? Why wasn’t I told?, Where are my adoption documents, etc.) but I would caution you that not everyone will provide you with honest answers and/or complete information. Do not let anyone else’s discomfort about the truth prevent you from exploring it. Everyone is entitled to the truth about their own family history, medical history, and genetic origins. You are not wrong, ungrateful, bad, or mistrustful (or any other negative words) for wanting definitive answers to these kinds of questions. Remember that! If you are met with resistance and being told these kinds of things about yourself for asking, this is just another red flag they are waving in your face! Keep digging because you’re probably on to something… (Sadly, always keep your personal safety & mental health in mind first though!)
2) DNA TESTING – People lie, but DNA does not. Read that again! While the ins and outs of human genetics are complicated, finding out if someone is (or is not) your biological parent via DNA test is very simple! There are many home DNA testing services available today, but I recommend Ancestry for anyone questioning their parentage because their worldwide database is enormous, which increases your chances of being matched with someone who 1.) you are genetically related to, and 2.) knows information about your true origins, and 3.) is willing to share it with you. Not everyone is comfortable with DNA testing, but it is the most straightforward way to get a definitive answer (am I adopted?) even if your parents or other family members are deceased or are not willing to provide you with this information openly. Take some time to think about this step and only proceed if you are emotionally prepared to deal with any surprises (good or bad), possible loss of existing family relationships, rejection, or even major disappointments that may come your way during the discovery process. It’s a big decision that could potentially change the trajectory of your entire life. Personally, I would rather know the horrible truth than believe a beautiful lie, but not everyone feels this way. I’ve heard so many LDA stories since 2017 with so many different outcomes — some are incredibly beautiful, some are incredibly awful, some LDAs are rejected by their biological families and some are welcomed with open arms, and sometimes, the biological parents have passed away before they could be found. Many LDAs, like me, even choose to cut all ties with their adoptive parents once the enormity of the situation sinks in and people begin to show you their true colors. Unfortunately, there is no way to determine ahead of time which way your story, or your search, will go; which is why I say you need to be emotionally prepared for any possible outcome if you proceed. Regardless of the possibility of negative outcomes, I sincerely wish I had known the truth decades ago. Even with my beautiful and fairytale-like adoption reunion, it’s still been a very difficult journey and I have just about as perfect of a reunion as there could possibly be. It’s just not easy no matter what the circumstances may be. Every day I have to live with the realization that my entire life, until age forty, was built upon a foundation of lies and fraud. It has invaded every part of my life: my work, my children, my physical health, my mental health, my relationships, my appearance, my finances, my trust, my goals — everything. This is something I will need to work on for the rest of my life, but the bottom line is I am relieved to simply have the truth. I encourage anyone suspecting they could be adopted to take your time and do what feels right for you, when you are ready, because if you are actually adopted, once you learn certain things, it is nearly impossible to go back to “normal” to how things were before your discovery.
3) ADOPTION CONFIRMATION & DISCOVERY PROCESS – If you have confirmed that you are adopted, either through a DNA test or by asking your family directly, take some time to process what you’ve learned and think about how you would like to proceed. Move at YOUR pace, not anyone else’s. It is a good idea to seek the support of other late discovery adoptees, and a licensed therapist and/or Psychiatrist well-versed in adoption-related issues and trauma, as soon as possible. While family and friends usually mean well and can offer you some level of support, there are very complex issues relating to late discovery that others will not fully understand and may not be able to adequately support unless they’ve been through it themselves, or have studied adoption-related issues extensively (i.e., an adoption-competent therapist or Psychiatrist.) While it’s normal to want to talk about your feelings with family, it is very important to also communicate with people not connected to them because you may unintentionally censor yourself from expressing your true feelings and thoughts. During this process, you may also be subjected to toxic positivity from those in your adoptive family who don’t want you to “rock the boat,” so to speak. Expect to hear things from some of them such as “Life’s too short to be mad” or “You need to forgive them” or “You need to let this go,” or, my personal favorite, “They only did it because they love you.” You should also expect your very real pain and trauma to be minimized — or even mocked — by those who directly caused it or enabled it. While everyone in your adoptive family may not react like this, unfortunately, it’s been my experience and the majority of LDAs that I’ve communicated with as well, for your adoptive family (and the people closest to them) to treat you this way following your discovery. The attitude is YOU are the problem, NOT them, NOT their lies. As unbelievable as that may sound now, this is the reality for a very large number of LDAs — even those who previously had a very good relationship prior to discovery. Learning you are adopted as an adult is difficult enough without thoughtless clichés being thrown at you by people who have the privilege of not having to personally live with the trauma you are experiencing. It is for this reason I say you should absolutely seek support outside of your adoptive family, even if only to hear the honest opinions and perspectives of people not associated with your adoption — or your adoptive family. You will probably be very shocked by the extreme differences between your adoptive family’s feelings about your discovery (ex. it’s not that big of a deal, you need to move on, life’s too short to be angry, nothing has changed, you’re still their child, you should be grateful, think about them, they’re good people who just made a mistake, they took you in when nobody else wanted you, you’re ungrateful, etc.) versus the reactions of those who have no connection to them (ex. that is so cruel, how could they never tell you, this is so wrong, I’m so sorry that happened to you, are you okay, how can I support you right now, how could they justify that, this should be illegal, etc.) It’s also very important to periodically remind yourself that your adoptive parents (and the people who enabled them over the years) are the ones who have knowingly and willingly lied and withheld vital information from you until this point. That was very wrong of them, no matter what the circumstances or reasoning may have been. There is no justification for not telling a person they are adopted. You must think about yourself right now. If you’re angry or upset, that is completely justified. If you’re feeling numb and confused that is also completely justified. If you’re not sure what you’re feeling or rotate between emotions, that is totally normal as well. Do not let anyone else tell you how you ‘should’ be feeling or how you ‘should’ be handling this mind-blowing discovery. I think the most important thing I can tell you is that this is a very difficult situation to be in and it’s not always easy, but you are most certainly not alone. There are people out there, like me, who intimately understand what you are going through and can offer you peer-to-peer support (view support for LDAs.) If you are a late discovery adoptee looking for a referral to an online LDA support group, please let me know. There are a few private/secret groups on Facebook, but you must be invited in by an existing member who can vouch for you. Please contact me if you would like to be referred. I also highly recommend working with an adoption and trauma-competent therapist and/or Psychiatrist as soon as possible to help you navigate your new reality.
