Q. I think I might be adopted. How can I find out for sure?
A. If you are an adult and you think there’s a chance you could be adopted, please read Michelle’s article Could You Secretly Be Adopted And Not Know? This article, which has been read by tens of thousands of people all over the world, discusses some of the red flags that were present in Michelle’s life before her DNA discovery and are common amongst late discovery adoptees. She also offers some advice to people who think they might be adopted but aren’t sure. You can also view some resources for late discovery adoptees here.
Q. Why did Michelle and Jamie do DNA tests in the first place? Did either of them suspect they were adopted?
A. Jamie did a DNA test in 2017 out of curiosity and to learn more about her family’s ethnic backgrounds. The DNA test confirmed what she was told her entire life — that our family has strong German, Scandinavian and British roots. Michelle did DNA testing because she was hoping to learn more about the branch of her family tree that she supposedly most resembled (according to her adoptive parents’ lies) and to make sense of some of the discrepancies between what she had been told her entire life and what she saw in herself and, more obviously, in the mirror. Neither Jamie nor Michelle suspected they were adopted when they did the DNA test. Ultimately, the DNA test revealed much more than either could have imagined including that Michelle is adopted and that Jamie has another full sister! Read our fascinating adoption discovery & reunion story here.
Q. Are Michelle and Christina different people? The same person?
A. Michelle Riess and Christina are the same person. At birth, Hollie and Rick named their daughter Michelle Lyn Riess, however, the original birth certificate application form that Hollie completed in the hospital was altered by someone (most likely the adoptive parents’ attorney, Edward Kent, or someone on his behalf) to a sanitized “Baby Girl”. Other details on the birth certificate application form were also altered or even removed completely. There were even details that ended up on the original birth certificate (OBC) that were completely fabricated by someone. After receiving Michelle at four days old, the adoptive parents changed her name to Christina, which she was called for 40 years. Since 2018, Michelle has been using her intended name — Michelle Riess — in her personal life. She no longer uses the name Christina.
Q. I have an adult cousin who is adopted, but they were never told. Our entire family knows the truth but I’m very uncomfortable keeping this lie. Should I tell them myself?
A. Thank you for recognizing that keeping the truth from an adopted person is wrong no matter what the circumstances may be. Everyone has a fundamental human right to know the truth about their own origins; adoptees are no different. Unfortunately, your cousin’s adoptive parents chose to create a false narrative where your cousin is their biological child rather than being open and honest with them. That’s not a good start for any relationship — especially one involving a vulnerable child. It must be very uncomfortable knowing such vital information about someone else’s life, but you’re expected by everyone around you to remain silent about it — forever. Lies like this created by adoptive parents turn their families and friends into willing participants in their deception, often spanning decades. This is not a normal or healthy situation for anyone involved, but especially for the adoptee who, inevitably, will one day discover the truth and realize that everyone in their life has been lying to them. It is completely unrealistic (and honestly pretty delusional) for an adoptive parent to expect that a secret like this can be maintained without the adoptee finding out at some point in their life. Ultimately, it is nobody’s responsibility to tell someone they are adopted except for their adoptive parents. Unfortunately, adoptive parents who have held onto their lies for so long are often not willing to tell the adopted person the truth without strong, consistent encouragement from their family & friends. If this adult adoptee still has living adoptive parents, I suggest having a private conversation with them (the adoptive parents) about being honest with your cousin about their true origins. If they are resistant to this suggestion, feel free to send them to our website (and others like mine) to see the chaos, pain, and destruction decades of lies like theirs can create for late discovery adoptees. Even though finding out you’re adopted as an adult is obviously very difficult and painful, it’s even more difficult when this information is accidentally discovered rather than being told by the adoptive parents outright (ex. accidentally discovering you’re adopted on an Ancestry DNA test, someone innocently mentioning it thinking the adoptee had known for years, finding hidden adoption papers after a parent dies, etc.) As far as you telling your cousin the truth about their adoption, I cannot answer that for you. While I certainly wish someone had slipped up and told me the truth a long time ago, my concern for you would be that the serious fallout from this kind of discovery would inevitably be misdirected at you; not the actual responsible party (i.e. the adoptive parents.) I know firsthand how painful it is to be on the receiving end of that kind of ugliness from an adoptive family who wanted to keep their secrets hidden forever, so trust me when I say you don’t want to willingly put yourself in that situation. (Read my final post which discusses this fallout in more detail.) Only you know the dynamics of your family, your relationship with your cousin, and what you are willing to potentially sacrifice in the name of doing the right thing. (ex. will your cousin misdirect their anger & resentment towards you for breaking this news to them even though it’s not your fault, will your cousin walk away from you, will family members shun you, will you lose other relationships as a result, etc.) If more time passes and it’s clear that this person still has not been told, (or their adoptive parents are deceased) I suggest having a private family meeting (without the adopted individual present) to discuss your concerns as a group and to encourage the adoptive parents (if living) to make this long-overdue disclosure. It is important to be consistent and to hold the adoptive parents accountable for what they’ve chosen to do and for so long. If they say they are going to tell them, follow through — make sure they actually did it. Best wishes! *Note* This response is about adult adoptees, not minor children. Minor children should only be told about their adoption by their adoptive parent(s), not someone else. (read more)
Q. How did Michelle’s adoptive parents explain their lies once she discovered she was adopted? Did they ever apologize?
A. Michelle initially saw the Ancestry DNA match to her sister on a Monday. By Saturday of that same week, in a period of six days, she confirmed she was adopted and was reunited with her biological family. It was a fast and overwhelming process that suddenly explained so many of the inconsistencies and issues Michelle experienced in her childhood and her life until that point. When initially confronted with the DNA match, Michelle immediately began contacting her adoptive father and continued attempting to reach him throughout the week. She included information about the DNA match and some photos of the woman she had a DNA match with (and a striking resemblance to) and asked if he knew who she might be. Strangely, he never replied to any of her messages, texts, or calls which was unusual for him at that time. This was the biggest clue for Michelle that he was hiding something from her. Finally, that Saturday she confronted her adoptive father in person and he reluctantly admitted to her that she is adopted. While he did make some generic statements during that time such as “I’m sorry you found out this way” and “We did the best we could,” there was never a sincere apology equivalent to the massive harm their lies (and the adoptive mother’s severely abusive behaviors) caused Michelle. To this day, there has been no real acknowledgment or heartfelt apology from anyone in the adoptive family for what was done to Michelle. Nothing. The adoptive father continues to live in complete denial that Michelle was abused by his late wife despite actually being present for numerous physical incidents over the years and despite multiple friends of Michelle (and even a former teacher) remembering her questionable injuries over the years. Michelle ultimately decided to walk away from her adoptive father in early 2018, a few months after her DNA discovery, due to his gross mishandling of the entire situation and his failure to respond appropriately. Michelle has absolutely no regrets about her decision and continues to heal from her painful past. To read more about the fallout surrounding Michelle’s DNA discovery, click here. To read the full adoption story, including the DNA match and reunion, click here.
Q. Where can I learn more about C-PTSD, ICT and help for adult survivors or parental abuse?
A. Over the past few years I’ve learned firsthand that the harm caused by long-term childhood abuse is invasive, persistent, and very difficult to overcome. I’ve made great progress, but it’s not always easy. Fortunately, with the right help, it’s very possible to find peace and healing and go on to live a happy and productive life despite our past experiences with abuse and trauma. If you are adopted and experienced childhood abuse, I highly recommend working with mental health professionals who specialize in trauma and possess a solid understanding of the unique issues that impact adopted individuals. If you would like to learn more about ICT (intrafamilial child torture) and C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) please visit these websites which discuss both in greater detail. AdopteesOn, which is an all-around amazing resource for adult adoptees, also has a great list of therapists. I also have some other resources for adult adoptees listed here.
Q. I am a producer / journalist /podcaster working on a project relating to adoption. I’d love to speak with you more about your story.
A. If you are working on a project relating to adoption (ex. adult adoptees, adoptee rights, late discovery adoptees, DNA discoveries, C-PTSD, etc.) and would like to consider using our story, please contact Michelle Riess.
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