By Michelle Riess
Originally posted in 2018, updated in 2024
In September 2017, at age forty, I accidentally discovered that I was adopted after getting a DNA match on Ancestry to one of my three full sisters. Before this unexpected discovery, my adoptive parents never told me that I was adopted, and I never suspected it. It was a life-changing experience that redefined, and simultaneously shattered, my entire existence.
For forty years, my adoptive parents went to great lengths to ensure I would never uncover the truth about my adoption—or my true origins. This wasn’t simply a matter of withholding information; it was a sustained and orchestrated deception that touched every part of my identity and life. Over four decades, they maintained an elaborate web to uphold a fantasy world crafted by my adoptive mother, who was obsessively concerned with controlling how she and her life appeared to others—even if it meant lying about nearly everything. They invented a complete backstory, even including a detailed account of my adoptive mother’s supposed pregnancy and my birth. Every detail was carefully crafted to reinforce the illusion, with new lies invented on the spot whenever questions arose that couldn’t be answered truthfully without exposing the adoption. This deception lasted for forty years, and nearly everyone in their lives knew the truth—except me, the one person who needed it most.
I am a late-discovery adoptee. Late discovery adoptees are adults who are adopted, but whose adoptive parents did not disclose their adoption to them at an appropriate age and went through life believing they were their biological children. Any adoption disclosure beyond the earliest years of life is universally considered too late. There were darker reasons why I never questioned my origins, but looking back, there were an abundance of red flags throughout my life that were always explained away by my adoptive parents’ lies.
Today, with so many people doing DNA testing to research their family’s history, more people will unexpectedly find themselves in similar situations, though hopefully not as extreme as mine. If you are questioning your own origins, I hope that my experiences can help you find answers because everyone deserves to know the truth about their own origins.
Here are some of the red flags in my life BEFORE my adoption discovery:
No Pregnancy Photos
There were no photos of my adoptive mother pregnant. Even as a child, I thought this was strange. Whenever the subject came up, my adoptive parents always recited some variation of the same excuse: she didn’t want to be photographed appearing “fat” during the pregnancy. My adoptive mother (now deceased) was a narcissist, so this explanation was believable. Still, something about this explanation never felt right to me on a deeper level and reinforced my long-standing belief that my adoptive mother didn’t love me the way most mothers love and care for their children. In reality, most women from the past 65 years or so are likely to have at least one or two photos of themselves pregnant, especially with their first baby. If there are no photos of your mother visibly pregnant, this could be a red flag. If there are photos of your mother pregnant (or in which you’ve been told she is pregnant), but you still have doubts about the authenticity, look on the back of the photo for a date stamp or handwritten notes. Also, examine the details in the background, such as clothing, hairstyles, newspapers, vehicles, and technology. Old photos often hold many more clues than we think, and these little bits of information can be helpful in establishing (or even disproving) a pregnancy timeline. Does the style of clothing match the period of your birth? Is there newer technology visible in the photos that didn’t exist when you were born? Are the people in the photos wearing the correct clothing for the location and season? All of these clues are just small pieces of the puzzle you should consider. [Related: How to date family photographs]
No Baby Shower
A baby shower is a celebration held for a pregnant woman near the birth of her first baby. In the United States, baby showers are often celebrated for first babies, but not always for subsequent pregnancies. In the case of my adoptive mother, I was her only child, and she absolutely would have had a baby shower if she had been pregnant. My adoptive parents enjoyed entertaining, hosting lavish holiday dinners, having people over for big parties, hosting birthday & anniversary parties, and other celebrations – all of which were heavily photographed. So, it would have been very unusual for them not to have a baby shower, especially since I was their first (and only) child. As a child, I remember being shown photos of an apparent “baby shower” for my adoptive mother, but it wasn’t until I was an adult and saw the photos again that I realized the photos she told me were of her “baby shower” were actually from her bridal shower six years before I was born. As a young child, I didn’t have the knowledge to recognize this obvious discrepancy, and my adoptive mother took full advantage of my innocence to maintain her lies. Are you unable to find any photos of your mother’s baby shower? Keep in mind that not everyone has a baby shower, especially if they have more than one child. Other reasons someone may not have a baby shower, even for a first baby, include: financial limitations, not having a close relationship with family, living far away from family, already having plenty of everything, cultural reasons, or simply not wanting to have one. If it appears there was no baby shower for your mother, and that seems inconsistent with their other life celebrations, this could possibly be a red flag.
No Newborn Photos
Most people born in the United States since the 1940s probably have at least one or two photos of themselves as newborns or very young babies. I was born in late 1976, and my adoptive parents had albums filled with photos from the decades before my birth and after my birth, yet there are no photos that correspond with her supposed pregnancy or my birth — a major event in most parents’ lives. This was very inconsistent with the way my adoptive parents photographed life before and after my birth. The first photo I have seen of myself is from when I was about one week old and was taken at my adoptive parents’ home. There were also no hospital keepsakes, baby portraits, footprint certificates, wristbands, or other hospital-related items. I remember being young and recognizing the lack of photos of myself as an immediate newborn, or of her in the hospital, and my adoptive parents telling me they “weren’t allowed” to take photos of me in the hospital because the flash could have made me sick… Obviously, this was just another absurd lie to maintain their fantasy narrative in the mind of a vulnerable child, and I believed them. If there are no photos of you and/or your mother in the hospital, no hospital mementos, and/or no photos of you in the days (or even weeks or months) following your birth, this could be a red flag. This is especially true if your parents took a lot of photos before your birth and after your birth, but there’s an obvious gap surrounding your birth. If you are one of multiple children in your family, keep in mind that sometimes the number of photos parents take of their children decreases with subsequent births (ex. lots of photos of the first baby, but not as many photos of the second or third baby.) If you are a younger adult (under approx. 30) born during the age of digital photography, you should fully expect to see numerous photos (printed and/or digital) of yourself as a baby and (in most cases) of your mother pregnant. While not every family has access to expensive photography equipment, over the past few decades, even some of the most inexpensive mobile phones have included a basic camera. So if you’ve been told by your family that “We couldn’t afford a camera, that’s why there are no photos of you as a baby,” you should probably consider that to be suspicious. Regardless of when you were born, look at the overall number of photos you have seen of yourself as a baby while taking into consideration what makes the most sense in the context of your family’s circumstances. Not having any newborn photos or photos from your birth doesn’t prove you are adopted, but it is unusual and another possible red flag to consider.
Appearance Inconsistent With Just Giving Birth
I know what my adoptive mother looked like for most of the 1970s from the hundreds of pictures in their photo albums. As I mentioned before, I was always told there were no photos of her pregnant because she didn’t want to be photographed appearing “fat.” Yet in photos taken during the days and weeks following my placement with them, her body appears suspiciously normal— I can’t believe I never noticed this detail prior to my adoption discovery! She was obviously wearing regular 1970s clothing (not the atrocious maternity styles of the late 70s, lol!) along with neatly styled hair, makeup, form-fitting clothing, and her regular assortment of rings & jewelry (i.e., no swelling, weight gain, larger breasts, IV bruising, etc., which are very common in a full-term pregnancy and birth.) Despite what we might see today on social media or in films, women’s bodies do not shrink back to their pre-pregnancy size or shape within days of birth like my adoptive mother supposedly did — sometimes they never do. Look at your newborn photos, if you have any, and check for these types of details. Everyone’s body is different and will bounce back from delivery at their own pace–some faster than others. But having a pre-pregnancy body and breasts just days after birth is pretty unusual. While these clues alone do not prove you are adopted, they add to the big picture if other red flags are present.
Birth Location Doesn’t Make Sense
Before my discovery, I never really thought about the location of the hospital where I was born in relation to my adoptive parents’ home at the time. The location of the hospital never seemed suspicious to me before my discovery, probably because we moved to a town close to this hospital when I was young, so it never really felt “far away” to me. Now, I realize this was obviously a red flag. Unless there are unusual circumstances, I don’t believe most pregnant women in 1976 (especially in the era before cell phones) would want to drive to a hospital more than 40 minutes away while in active labor, especially when there were other hospitals much closer with arguably better medical reputations, as was the case with my adoptive parents. If you’re questioning your own origins, check where your birth certificate states you were born and think about your parents’ residence at that time. If you have any siblings, try to discreetly find out where they were born, too. If the locations don’t make sense, find out what circumstances led to you being born there (ex., you were born on a military base but your parents have no military affiliation, or you were born in a different state far from your parents’ residence at the time, etc.). If your parents lived in a very rural area or had limited access to healthcare for some other reason, perhaps being born in a hospital far from your home wouldn’t be unusual, even while in active labor, so keep that in mind. Also, people do move and sometimes have genuine reasons for going to a specific medical facility, even if others are closer to home. But if your birth certificate states you were born in a questionable location and your parents have never provided a clear explanation, perhaps there is a reason. Most importantly, if your birth certificate states that it is amended, this is definitely a red flag, probably more so than anything else on this list. (I’ll share more about that later…)
Lack of Resemblance / Attempts to Alter Your Appearance
I never thought I looked very much like my adoptive parents or anyone in my family, really. As a young person, my adoptive parents always told me I didn’t look like them because I got all of my features & traits from my adoptive grandmother’s family, the ones we didn’t know much about and had very minimal contact with. (how convenient for my adoptive parents!) As an adult, I know this is not how genetic inheritance works, but I was a child, and my adoptive parents continuously exploited my innocence to cover their lies. Over the years, any slight resemblance I may have coincidentally had to one of their relatives was exaggerated by them, and I was reminded of it over & over again to reinforce (in my mind) that I was their biological child. In reality, I did not look like their relatives, but I wholeheartedly grew to believe it. It was one of those situations that, if you’re told something enough times from a very young age, you will believe it without question. (i.e., brainwashing, programming, indoctrination, etc.) As I got older, it became more obvious to the outside world that I might not be their biological child (especially my adoptive mother’s child), and I’m sure this must have made her uncomfortable. There were numerous ways she tried to counteract this, but most notably, when I was around ten years old, she began manipulating me into believing that I didn’t look good with my naturally very dark hair. She would tell me over and over again that my dark hair looked “ugly” (her words) against my pale skin and that my hair color had to be changed. When school ended that year for summer break, she forcibly bleached and dyed my dark hair to the exact shade of red as hers. At only 11 years old, dyeing my hair became a regular part of my routine, and about every 5-6 weeks, she would buy a box of hair dye for me (the same color as hers) and helped me touch up the color. [View a before & after comparison photo] At the time, and obviously being a child, I wasn’t able to recognize how incredibly abnormal this was, though I do remember her instructing me to tell people that my hair color had changed so drastically because the sun had lightened it over the summer… (seriously!) It’s obvious now that this was her attempt to make me look more like her. I mean, really, outside of someone who abducts a child & is trying to change their appearance so they are not located, what kind of person bleaches and dyes a young child’s hair without the child wanting it? A very sick person… Today, it is much more common for kids to ask for all different colors of hair, plus there are so many safer products available now. But in the 1980s, it absolutely was not normal for a young child to have their hair bleached and dyed to a completely different color with the sole intention of making the child unrecognizable. Sometimes, biological children don’t look exactly like their siblings or parents, or possibly resemble a grandparent or other family member more, but they usually have some obvious resemblance to the other family members. If you truly do not physically resemble anyone in your immediate family, or you just don’t feel like you “belong,” this could be a red flag that warrants additional investigation or even DNA testing.
Appearance Inconsistent With Your Supposed Race or Ethnicity
There is no all-inclusive, universal appearance for any race or ethnicity. However, in some cases, people who are adopted (and don’t know about it) may feel the race and/or ethnicity they’ve been told doesn’t match how they see themselves or how they feel inside. I deeply experienced these identity issues, especially since my adoptive parents’ ethnic backgrounds didn’t match up with my appearance or how I felt inside, even with my best efforts to try to adapt. My adoptive mother was Greek with olive-toned skin and larger facial features. My adoptive father is 100% Italian, also with olive-toned skin and larger facial features. Despite having naturally dark hair, I never believed I looked like someone whose very recent ancestors (only 1-2 generations back) came from the Mediterranean. I began to recognize these discrepancies during my youth when I was unable to see myself in the people around me, especially my adoptive mother’s closest relatives, who all still live in Greece. I was always told they were my closest relatives, yet I couldn’t see a resemblance between any of us. My adoptive parents would point out small similarities between me and their family members from time to time to “prove” to me that I was biologically related to them. Sometimes I could see it, and other times I didn’t. This lack of resemblance, not feeling like I fit in with my adoptive family, and not feeling fully connected to my heritage, is what drove me to begin researching my family’s history in my 20s. I was genuinely seeking people who looked like me, acted like me, and felt like me; I think this is a natural need and desire in most people, regardless of whether you are adopted or not. The popularity of services like Ancestry certainly supports this. So, if you are questioning your own origins, think about the people in your family that you physically resemble, if any. Think about your ethnic backgrounds, race, religion, and cultural practices and see if they make sense in the context of you. If some of these areas don’t add up, you may want to do further research or even consider DNA testing.
Emphasis on Adoption (Books, Toys, Movies, Etc.)
As a child, the 1982 film Annie was pushed on me by my adoptive parents. I had all of the Annie toys, dolls, dollhouse, books, records, clothes, and even the little red dress that Annie wears in the final scenes of the film. I was also Annie for Halloween that year. The following month, I had an elaborate Annie-themed 6th birthday party held on my Gotcha Day. I liked Annie, but I don’t remember being overly enthusiastic about it. I was also given many Cabbage Patch dolls and accessories over the years. All Cabbage Patch dolls, which were insanely popular when they came out in the US in 1983, come with adoption papers, which obviously appealed to my adoptive parents on a different level. I had so many of the regular Cabbage Patch dolls and other Cabbage Patch-branded toys and accessories. Even after the initial Cabbage Patch craze passed, along with my interest in them, my adoptive parents still continued buying them. We had rare, collector’s versions of the dolls, hand-stitched custom official dolls, and even full-sized porcelain versions, which I wasn’t allowed to touch and were kept in a special glass doll display case. Obviously, my adoptive parents had motives for pushing this kind of material on me as a child. While many people who are not adopted also like Annie and Cabbage Patch dolls, if you were force-fed books, films, television shows, toys, etc., that are obviously centered around the “fairytale” adoption narrative, in addition to other red flags on this list, perhaps this is another clue to examine. Here are some other books, shows and characters that revolve around someone being adopted: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn/Tom Sawyer, A Little Princess, Anne of Green Gables, Annie, Cabbage Patch Kids, The Cider House Rules, David Copperfield, Despicable Me, The Fosters, Great Expectations, Harry Potter, Heidi, The Hobbit/LOTR, Jane Eyre, Jem, Les Misérables, Matilda, Oliver Twist, Pollyanna, Punky Brewster, The Secret Garden, The Wizard of Oz, This Is Us, Wuthering Heights. Click here for more
Inherited Medical Conditions (Presence or Absence)
If you have been diagnosed with a more serious medical condition or a genetic disorder that typically runs in families, but nobody else has it, and there are no known carriers, this could be a red flag. You may even possibly experience the opposite, where your parents are known carriers or have even been diagnosed with an inheritable condition, but you do not have it and probably should, from a genetic standpoint. When I was in my 30s, my adoptive father was diagnosed with a condition that has a genetic component. After his diagnosis, I was thoroughly tested, but thankfully, everything was normal on my end. Obviously, since I am adopted, there was no real risk to me, but I had no way to know that at the time. Rather than using his diagnosis as an opportunity to finally be honest, my adoptive father chose to let me believe there was a possibility that I and/or my children could have inherited this potentially serious condition. I went through all of the medical tests and emotional stress (mostly out of fear that one of my kids could have inherited it), and the entire time, he had full knowledge that there was no reason for any of it. Even my children’s pediatrician was notified of his diagnosis and was keeping an eye on things as a precaution. Another example… When I was pregnant with my first child in 2009, I developed preeclampsia. Preeclampsia only occurs during pregnancy (or in the postpartum period) and can cause dangerously high blood pressure, protein in the urine (a sign of pending kidney problems), and a variety of other issues. It can range from very mild to very severe and life-threatening to the mother and the baby. Each year, approximately 70,000 women and 500,000 babies worldwide die as a result of preeclampsia[1]. While researchers have not yet been able to pinpoint the exact cause, sometimes, preeclampsia can run in families. I was very fortunate during my first pregnancy because I had relatively mild preeclampsia with very few problems; my daughter was born perfectly healthy and came home the same day that I did. After my daughter’s birth, I asked my adoptive parents if there were any similar issues during her pregnancy or with my birth. My adoptive parents and I had a lengthy conversation about how “easy” her pregnancy was, along with her natural, drug-free, complication-free, speedy delivery. (of course!) They proudly talked about her completely imaginary“perfect” pregnancy & birth scenario like it was absolute fact, which strongly contributed to me choosing to have another baby without much concern. Prior to my second pregnancy, I even shared my adoptive mother’s fictional pregnancy & birth experience with my Ob/Gyn. Based on that fictitious medical history, she believed I was probably not at any increased risk for preeclampsia in future pregnancies. Unfortunately, I did develop preeclampsia again, but this time it was very severe, and I was hospitalized at 31 weeks pregnant. At 32 weeks pregnant, I became medically unstable and was deteriorating to HELLP syndrome(a very serious & life-threatening complication), so my son was born via an emergency c-section. Thankfully, my son was completely healthy (despite his prematurity) and spent five uneventful weeks in the NICU. One day after his birth, however, in what has been described to me as an extremely rare complication of the most severe forms of preeclampsia, I lost my vision. I literally woke up in the hospital that morning blind — unable to see anything or anyone, including my newborn son. It was soon determined I had bilateral serous retinal detachments, which were directly caused by severe preeclampsia. Thankfully, my vision fully returned within a few months of delivery, but had I known the medical history my adoptive parents shared with me about my adoptive mother’s “pregnancy” was a complete work of fiction, I absolutely would have done more to learn about preeclampsia and my personal risk for developing it again. Their lies literally could have cost me and my babies our lives. The reality is, it was more important to my adoptive parents to maintain their lies than to ensure the long-term health of my children and me. Even if a reunion with the biological family isn’t possible or isn’t desired, adoptees need access to and knowledge of their biological family’s medical history.
Having a Parent With Narcissistic Traits
Having a parent (or parents) with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or narcissistic traits is common among late-discovery adoptees. While there are currently no studies exploring the correlation between an adoptive parent having a personality disorder and their failing to make an adoption disclosure at an appropriate age, it is evident within the late-discovery adoptee community that a high percentage of our adoptive parents have been diagnosed with, or have clear signs of, narcissistic personalities. Not every late-discovery adoptee has an adoptive parent with a personality disorder, but it does appear to be prevalent among the parents of LDAs; something that should certainly be explored with further research studies. Many narcissists have an extraordinary sense of entitlement and don’t always see things in life the same way as most others do, which can lead them to create false narratives (stories) about themselves, their families, and their lives rather than acknowledging the truth or even reality at times. They also tend to believe that the rules don’t apply to them and that they know better than everyone else or have some special abilities or knowledge. It really shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that their willingness to manipulate and lie (and so much more) would also extend to their children, especially behind closed doors. It is very easy to see how someone with NPD who adopts a child, especially if they experienced infertility and saw it as a flaw within themselves, could use adoption as an opportunity to rewrite the story to suit their own needs and even to boost their own image or community standing. On the opposite end of the NPD spectrum, some narcissists openly adopt a child because they are seeking the praise and recognition of taking in a “needy” child and having others view them as a “hero” for adopting. Obviously, neither of these scenarios is in the best interest of a vulnerable child, and they are the wrong reasons to adopt. Having a parent with known or suspected narcissistic personality disorder or traits alone does not automatically mean you are adopted because many biological parents also have NPD. However, if there are other red flags in your life on top of this, including some of the things I’ve written about in this article, perhaps you should consider DNA testing as a starting point. [Related: The 10 Personality Disorders]
Being an Only Child or Having Adopted Siblings
I was raised as an only child, but when I was young, I used to always wish for siblings. I can’t imagine the happiness and wholeness I would have experienced as a young person knowing that I actually had three little sisters living just a few miles away, my entire life! The grief of never having the opportunity to know my sweet parents and beautiful sisters as a child, despite them always being so close, overwhelms me at times. As a child, whenever I would ask my adoptive parents why I didn’t have any brothers or sisters, they would always tell me that after they had me they “broke the mold” (their exact words) because they couldn’t handle any more kids “like me,” or something along those lines that always made it seem like it was my own fault they “chose” to stop having children. This was just another one of their lies, at the expense of my mental health and self-worth, to conceal the fact that they were being dishonest. Another possible red flag to consider is if you have siblings who are openly adopted, especially if hiding their adoption status would be difficult (ex. if they are a transracial adoptee or if they were adopted as an older child and would obviously remember it.) Being an only child or having an adopted sibling on its own does not mean you are necessarily adopted, but if there are other red flags present in your life in addition to being an only child or having an adopted sibling, you may want to look deeper into your roots, or even consider DNA testing.
Intentionally Isolated From Others
I was intentionally isolated from others as a child by my adoptive mother so she could control me. Isolation is a common tactic used by abusers to control their victims and to distort their victims’ sense of self — and reality. This social isolation, along with extreme gaslighting by my adoptive mother, caused me severe harm that still impacts me today. If you were inexplicably isolated from close family or friends as a child with no obvious causes, this could indicate that a family secret exists. While that secret is not necessarily adoption-related, this is not how a healthy family functions and suggests that something more may be going on behind the scenes. [Related: How Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children]
Expected to Do Age Inappropriate Tasks
My adoptive mother’s mother (my adoptive grandmother) lived with us for my entire life until she died in 1999. By the time I was fifteen, she was suffering from some debilitating medical problems that ultimately left her unable to walk, stand, or care for herself on her own. As a result, my adoptive parents assigned me(a minor at the time) to be her primary caregiver, along with my adoptive father. It was my daily responsibility to do an enormous amount of physically and emotionally draining care for her including all physical transfers, all toileting (including wiping and changing her diapers which she frequently soiled due to severe gastrointestinal issues), bathing (full body, including breasts and genitals), dressing/changing, her laundry, medication management, glucose monitoring, and assistance with feeding. Meanwhile, my adoptive mother literally did nothing for her own mother — this is not an exaggeration. She always claimed she “couldn’t” help her and would sit nearby in her armchair with her feet up, drinking, smoking, reading, and watching television while a minor (me) changed her mother’s dirty diapers. She never even helped me at times when it was obvious I was struggling with her care and needed help (ex., diarrhea diaper blowouts.) When my adoptive father returned home from work in the evenings, most of these responsibilities transferred to him, though I was still expected to help out. It was an awful thing to be forced to do as a young person, but I am proud that even under those extreme circumstances, I wouldn’t allow my adoptive grandmother to suffer or be neglected, even when it came at my own expense. There is so much more to that story, but obviously, this was a terrible position for a young person to be placed in, and it enrages me that my adoptive parents justified any of this in their minds. While there are families where children are sometimes asked to help out with household chores or a family business in an age-appropriate way, this was far beyond what any reasonable person would call a “chore” or an “appropriate” task for a minor, especially since there was a capable adult in the home who was not already helping. (i.e., my adoptive mother.) If you were required to do age-inappropriate tasks and/or free labor for your parents as a minor, which most reasonable people would consider to be unethical or just wrong (such as acting as a full maid, nurse, chef, childcare provider, laborer, confidant, etc.) this could possibly be a red flag, especially if other red flags are present. If you were forced to do these types of things as a minor, or even worse things, I am so sorry you had to go through it, and I absolutely understand your pain. Experiencing something like this certainly means your parents were lacking in judgment, though it does not necessarily prove you are adopted. If you have siblings who were never required to do the type of work you did, (or any other types of inappropriate tasks), and you feel certain these siblings are the biological children of your parents, this could be another red flag. Again, this doesn’t prove you are adopted, but definitely think about any other red flags in your life and perhaps consider DNA testing to get a definitive answer, and hopefully some peace. [Related: Parentification of children]
Anxiety and Excessive Fear of Abandonment
Nobody wants to be abandoned by someone they love; this is a very normal feeling. However, it is well documented that adoptees often have more extreme fears of abandonment and other attachment issues throughout their lives than non-adopted individuals. Adoptees are also much more likely to die by suicide and are almost twice as likely to develop a substance use disorder as the general population. I had intense fears of abandonment and anxiety throughout my life, as many adoptees do, but since I did not know I was adopted, I experienced these issues completely out of context, and my adoptive mother used this to her advantage. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to understand this part of myself earlier in life to avoid these kinds of thought patterns and behaviors from happening in the first place. It’s yet another sad example of their lies and their own comfort being more important to them than my long-term health and well-being. It’s unforgivable. Having anxiety and attachment issues is not exclusive to adoption, but if you think you might have a deeper-than-normal fear of abandonment or other attachment issues, along with other red flags, this could be something that warrants further investigation. [Related: Traumatic Bonding]
Bottle Fed as a Baby or Told You Were “Difficult” to Feed
If you are wondering if you could be adopted, being bottle-fed as a baby is a very subtle clue you may have overlooked because many biological children are also bottle-fed. In my baby photos, there are bottles frequently pictured: in my hand, on the counter, on the floor, in the crib, in an adult’s hands, etc. At some point during my youth, my adoptive mother began telling me the tale (and frequently reminded me over the years) of how she feverishly tried to breastfeed me as a newborn but, according to her, I was “very hungry” and “very aggressive,” and that during her heroic attempts to breastfeed me, I caused her an enormous amount of physical harm. She claimed little, helpless 8-pound infant me harmed her — a full-grown adult. As a result of my behavior, she told me she had “no choice” but to bottle-feed me. The way she described it to me, she wasn’t even talking about the very normal and expected discomfort some new moms experience when they begin breastfeeding; she indicated I was hurting her due to my aggressive nature during feeding and with my teeth. I was a young child when she began telling me this story, and I had never seen a baby in real life at that point, so I didn’t have the understanding that very young babies don’t even have teeth yet. Obviously, she knew this and that she could get away with it all. Sadly, I remember hearing this tale many times as a young person and wondering, “What is so wrong with me” that I couldn’t even eat like a normal baby, something most human babies do instinctively. I believe this was 100% her intention — making me believe I was damaged goods, not that the problem was actually her. After learning of my adoption in 2017, this story replayed in my mind over and over again, and I was struck by the sheer cruelty of it. This story is now verifiably false, so what was her motive for stating it to me as a child? I imagine, in her twisted mind, that she needed to find some way to justify the baby bottles that were visible in photos, even if that meant throwing me (a young child at the time) under the bus to do so. Many biological children are bottle-fed, but I believe she must have viewed this as a red flag at the time and wanted to curb any doubts in my mind about my parentage before they arose. But the way she chose to handle it was mean-spirited and harmful. She could have said nothing about it, or told me she didn’t want to breastfeed, or that she wasn’t able to breastfeed for some reason, or that she alternated between breast & bottle. Instead, as a mother, she chose to make me believe there was actually something wrong with me that caused it. It is grotesque and perfectly exemplifies some of the emotional abuse I was constantly subjected to by my adoptive mother for 33 years until her death in 2010. (though this is relatively minor compared to some of her other tactics!) So look at photos from the first 1-2 years of your life, if you have any, and look in the background, on counters, in your crib, etc., to see if there are bottles visible, especially if you’ve been told that you were “exclusively” breastfed. Again, being bottle-fed absolutely does not mean you are adopted, but if there are other red flags present, or you’ve been told similar tales about being “difficult” to breastfeed as a baby, this may be another piece of the puzzle. [Related: Narcissistic Gaslighting]
Strangers Mistaking Your For Someone Else
Numerous times in my life, I recall strangers approaching me in public using a different name, or asking me if I have a sister or a cousin because I looked a lot like someone they knew. Usually, these people were very enthusiastic about how much I looked like the person they knew. Obviously, my adoptive mother had a big problem with this. At some point in my childhood, I remember my adoptive mother making it seem like this was a totally normal occurrence that happens to everyone. While this may be true to some degree, her actual intentions for saying these kinds of things to me over the years are very clear now. I even recall her telling me that everyone in the world has a twin out there, so it wasn’t a big deal to have experiences like this. Still, these types of incidents continued to happen throughout my life. One time in my 20s, ironically, not long after I went back to my natural dark hair color, a woman approached me in a store asking if I had a sister or a cousin named Jamie (one of my sisters’ names) and asked if I was adopted. I remember the name she said because I had a friend named Jamie, so it stood out to me. I never forgot that encounter over the years because she was so insistent that I looked so much like this person she knew. Another time, a friend of my sister’s sent her a text message with a photo of a woman on a train who looked a lot like her. Around that same time, I was living in a town that had a train to Philadelphia, which I would use fairly regularly. My sister no longer has the message or the photo, but there is definitely a chance it was me on that train. I think this type of thing probably happens to everyone from time to time, but in my case, it was true, and people were likely mistaking me for other members of my biological family, or could see our obvious resemblances. So if you notice patterns or someone is adamant that you look ‘exactly’ like someone they know, perhaps it is worth investigating. [Related: Three Identical Strangers]
Documents Suggesting an Adoption
After my adoptive grandmother died in 1999, I was looking through one of her books and found a note inside in her handwriting. The note talked about the adoption of a baby girl and included a female’s name (“Holly”) and a date of birth in 1960. At the time, I wondered if my adoptive grandmother secretly had another child that she had placed for adoption in 1960. She was 47 years old in 1960, and I thought maybe she couldn’t handle another child at that point in her life, especially since she was working full-time in the restaurant they owned. I was shocked! I gave the note to my adoptive mother, expecting her to be completely blown away, but instead, she strangely brushed it off as though it was no big deal. I never saw the note again, and never spoke to her about it again, but I also never forgot about it. After my adoptive mother died in 2010, the subject re-emerged. I began to wonder if it was actually my adoptive mother who had a baby in 1960 (she would have been 15 years old in 1960), and that baby girl was placed for adoption. It seemed entirely possible. Over the years, I often spoke about this note with my adoptive father and the possibility that she had placed a child for adoption when she was a teenager. He repeatedly denied any knowledge of this, but also actively participated in these conversations about the note’s meaning with full knowledge that it was actually about my adoption. Again, multiple missed opportunities for the truth to come out. I am positive the note had something to do with my adoption. My biological mother, Hollie, was born in 1960 –- the same year mentioned in the note, and also matches the written name “Holly” which my adoptive grandmother noted. I believe the date was simply my adoptive grandmother’s note about my biological mother’s age. It’s maddening to know that as far back as 1999, I literally held a vital clue in my hands but wasn’t able to see it through all of the lies, gaslighting, and manipulations. If you’ve found documents, notes, or other items that suggest someone in your family was adopted, or there are papers from an attorney, a child protection agency, an adoption agency, etc., this could be a big red flag and warrants further investigating (in my opinion) if you choose to do so. [Related: Impact of Parental Gaslighting on Children]
Strong Opposition to DNA Tests & Genealogy
If you have expressed an interest in learning more about your family’s history by doing a DNA test, such as Ancestry, but were met with strong opposition from your family, this is honestly suspicious, especially if there are other red flags present in your life. Shockingly, I didn’t actually experience this, but it’s something to keep in mind if DNA testing is a sensitive topic in your family. Many people have legitimate concerns about their privacy relating to DNA testing, but they probably wouldn’t demand other family members avoid such tests unless there is something they are trying to hide. If this is something that seems questionable to you, it could be a red flag worth exploring. Personally, this kind of reaction from my family would only make me want to take a DNA test even more, but do what feels right for your circumstances. Other reasons your family could have issues with DNA testing that are unrelated to you being adopted include: a lack of understanding of how DNA testing works, fear of the unknown, fears about their own parentage, affairs that could have produced a child outside of an established relationship, or having fears about how the DNA test results could be used by employers, health insurance, government, etc. There are many other reasons some people may be opposed to DNA testing, so if you do decide to proceed with a test despite your family’s objections, you should familiarize yourself with your testing service’s privacy settings ahead of time(ex. keeping your name private, what info is shared with your DNA matches, knowing how to hide your profile from your DNA matches, etc.) and begin to work on a plan for how you will address (or not address) any unexpected findings your DNA test uncovers. [Related: How to Protect Your DNA Data]
An Amended Birth Certificate
In 2004, I was renewing my passport and needed my birth certificate. I asked my adoptive parents for it, but they told me it was lost. I found it very strange that they misplaced my birth certificate, but never questioned them about it any further. After my adoption discovery in 2017, my adoptive father admitted they intentionally destroyed all my adoption records when I was very young, so there would be no evidence left behind for me to find; I can only assume they did the same with my birth certificate. When I obtained the new copy of my birth certificate in 2004, it was a computer-generated form and looked nothing like the older one. One of the lines said “Date Amended (if applicable)” with the date of January 13, 1977 (44 days after my birth). At the time, this didn’t seem unusual to me, though I do recall the Vital Records clerk asking me something about my adoption status (which I would have fully denied at that point in my life). I assumed that in the 1970s things just took longer to process (not as many computers), and this was simply the date my birth certificate was officially filed. I honestly didn’t question it further until after I had already discovered my adoption and learned the true significance of an amended birth certificate. The bottom line is that if your birth certificate is amended, this should be an automatic red flag— more so than anything else on this list. There are a few other reasons a birth certificate could be amended that do not involve being adopted by non-biological relatives, (ex. error or misspelling on the original, step-parent adoption, a name change, etc.) but adoption is one of the most likely reasons for having an amended birth certificate.
Now What?
If you’ve read this list and have similar experiences, you may want to consider looking deeper into your origins. While none of these red flags, individually, can determine if you are adopted, they are all pieces of the puzzle to be evaluated. I suggest that you take some time to reflect on areas that seem questionable and search for evidence to either prove or disprove them. I only suggest beginning this type of investigation if you are fully prepared for the emotional fallout that may follow if there are any unexpected discoveries (good or bad.) In those situations, I strongly recommend working with a therapist and seeking the peer-to-peer support of other late discovery adoptees.
If you are ready to proceed with learning more about your true origins, these are a few of my suggestions:
1)ASK DIRECT QUESTIONS– As someone who was denied the truth about myself for forty years, I can tell you firsthand that some people in your life will feel completely entitled to hold onto vital information about your origins and family history even though it’s not theirs to keep. Ask direct questions (ex. Am I adopted? Why is my birth certificate amended? Why wasn’t I told?, Where are my adoption documents?, etc.) but I would caution you that not everyone will provide you with honest answers or complete information. Do not let anyone else’s discomfort about the truth prevent you from exploring it. Everyone is entitled to the truth about their own family history, medical history, and genetic origins. You are not wrong, ungrateful, bad, or mistrustful (or any other negative words) for wanting definitive answers to these kinds of questions. Remember that! If you are met with resistance and being told these kinds of things about yourself for asking, this is just another red flag they are waving in your face! Keep digging because you’re probably on to something…(Sadly, always keep your personal safety & mental health in mind first!)
2)DNA TESTING– People lie, but DNA does not. Read that again! While the ins and outs of human genetics are very complicated, finding out if someone is (or is not) your biological relative via DNA test is relatively straightforward. There are many home DNA testing services available, but I recommend Ancestry because their worldwide database is enormous, which increases your chances of being matched with someone who 1) you are genetically related to, and 2) knows information about your true origins, and 3) is willing to share it with you. Not everyone is comfortable with DNA testing, but it is the most straightforward way to get a definitive answer (am I adopted?) even if your parents or other family members are deceased or are not willing to provide you with this information openly. Take some time to think about this step and only proceed if you are emotionally prepared to deal with any surprises (good or bad), possible loss of existing family relationships, rejection, or even major disappointments that may come your way during the discovery process. Honestly, it’s a big decision that could potentially change the trajectory of your entire life so do what feels right for you and your own circumstances. Personally, I would rather know the horrible truth than believe a beautiful lie, but not everyone feels this way. I’ve heard so many LDA stories since 2017 with so many different outcomes — some are incredibly beautiful, some are incredibly awful, some LDAs are rejected by their biological families, and some are welcomed with open arms, and sometimes, the biological parents have passed away before they could be found. Many LDAs, like me, even end up cutting all ties with their adoptive parents once the enormity of the situation sinks in and people begin to show you their true colors. While this doesn’t happen in every case of late discovery, it is sadly a common occurrence. Unfortunately, there is no way to determine ahead of time which way your story, or your search, will go, which is why I say you need to be emotionally prepared for any possible outcome if you proceed. Regardless of the possibility of negative outcomes, I sincerely wish I had known the truth decades ago. Even with my beautiful adoption reunion, it’s still been a very difficult journey and I have just about as perfect of a reunion as there could possibly be.Truly, I have an amazing, loving biological family who have welcomed me and my children into their lives with open arms and despite that I still struggle with this discovery every day. (some days are better than others, some days are much worse than others…) It’s just not easy no matter what the circumstances may be. Every day I live with the realization that my entire life, until age 40, was built upon a foundation of lies and fraud. It has invaded every part of my life: my work, my children, my physical health, my mental health, my relationships, my appearance, my trust, my goals — everything. This is something I will need to work on for the rest of my life, but the bottom line is I am relieved to simply have the truth. I encourage anyone suspecting they could be adopted to take your time and do what feels right for you, when you are ready, because if you are actually adopted, once you learn certain things, it is nearly impossible to go back to “normal” to how things were before your discovery. [Related: How to Tell an Adult They Are Adopted]
3)ADOPTION CONFIRMATION & DISCOVERY PROCESS– If you have confirmed that you are adopted, either through a DNA test or by asking your family directly, take some time to process what you’ve learned and think about how you would like to proceed. Move at YOUR pace, not anyone else’s. It is a good idea to seek the support of other late discovery adoptees, and a therapist well-versed in adoption-related issues and trauma, as soon as possible. While family and friends usually mean well and can offer you some level of support, there are very complex issues relating to late discovery that others will not fully understand and likely will not be able to adequately support unless they’ve been through it themselves, or have studied adoption-related issues extensively (i.e., an adoption-competent therapist or Psychiatrist) While it’s normal to want to talk about your feelings with family, it is very important to also communicate with people not connected to them because you may unintentionally censor yourself from expressing your true feelings. During this process, you may also be subjected to toxic positivity from those in your adoptive family who don’t want you to “rock the boat,” so to speak. Expect to hear things from some of them such as “Life’s too short to be mad” or “You need to forgive them” or “You need to let this go,” or, my personal favorite, “They only did it because they love you.” In some families, you may even have your very real pain and trauma to be minimized — or even mocked— by those who directly caused it or enabled it. While everyone in your adoptive family may not react like this, unfortunately, it’s been my experience (and many of LDAs that I’ve communicated with as well) for your adoptive family to treat you this way following discovery. As unbelievable as that may sound now, this is the reality for a large number of LDAs, even those who had a good relationship prior to discovery. Learning you are adopted as an adult is difficult enough without thoughtless clichés being thrown at you by people who have the privilege of not having to personally live with the distress you are experiencing. It is for this reason I say you should absolutely seek support outside of your adoptive family, even if only to hear the honest opinions and perspectives of people not associated with your adoption — or your adoptive family. You will probably be very shocked by the extreme differences between your adoptive family’s feelings about your discovery (ex it’s not that big of a deal, you need to move on, life’s too short to be angry, nothing has changed, you’re still their child, you should be grateful, think about them, they’re good people who just made a mistake, they took you in when nobody else wanted you, you’re ungrateful, they’re your real parents, etc.) versus the reactions of those who have no connection to them (ex. that is so cruel, how could they never tell you, this is so wrong, I’m so sorry that happened to you, are you okay, how can I support you right now, how could they justify that, this should be illegal, etc.) It’s also very important to periodically remind yourself that your adoptive parents (and the people who kept their secrets over the years) are the ones who have knowingly and willingly lied and withheld vital information from you until this point. That was very wrong, no matter what the circumstances or reasoning may have been. The bottom line is, there is no justification for not telling a person they are adopted, certainly not into adulthood! You must think about yourself right now. If you’re angry or upset, that is completely justified. If you’re feeling numb and confused, that is also completely justified. If you’re feeling relieved or happy, that is okay as well. If you’re not sure what you’re feeling or rotate between different emotions, that is totally normal as well. Do not let anyone else tell you how you ‘should’ be feeling or how you ‘should’ be handling this major discovery. I think the most important thing I can tell you is that this is a very difficult situation to be in, and it’s not always easy, but you are most certainly not alone. There are people out there, like me, who intimately understand what you are going through right now and can offer you peer-to-peer support. (view support for LDAs) If you are a late discovery adoptee looking for a referral to an online LDA support group, there are a few private/secret groups on Facebook, but you must be invited in by an existing member who can vouch for you. Please contact me if you would like to be referred. I also highly recommend working with an adoption and trauma-competent therapist and/or Psychiatrist as soon as possible to help you navigate your new reality. –Michelle
